Broken Promises And Lost Memories
by SVUlover97
Summary: Isn't it sad that one day you just wake up and notice that the man you spend 12 years with is just gone. Your best friend, your partner, the man you were in love with for as long as you can remember is just gone. He left without saying goodbye to you. The person that had once said 'partners for better or for worse' wasn't there to save you anymore...
1. Loss Of All Hope

_**I had some EO feels and it turned out so much more depressing then I wanted it to. I found it amazing. This will also be from Olivia's POV for the most part. So review and let me know what you think. xox. I used a scene from season 13 episode 1 in the middle. Remember review!**_

Isn't it sad that one day you just wake up and notice that the man you spend 12 years with is just gone? Your best friend, your partner, the man you were in love with for as long as you can remember is just gone. He left without saying goodbye to you. The person that had once said 'partners for better or for worse' wasn't there to save you anymore. He isn't there to comfort you when you have a hard case and you get to emotional involved. He no longer sits across from you. You don't see his smiling face every day. You look across and see an empty desk. Image seeing the man you loved just walk away. I bet it'd destroy you... I not only watched him walk out of my life like it was the easiest thing he ever did but I watched him love another women. I helped him when his wife left him. I wanted to tell him how I felt but I knew it would be wrong. I honestly don't think you understand then mental pain he put me through, funny thing is he doesn't even know he hurt me. I've tried over and over to move on with my life. You'd think if he could walk away that easy I could get over him that easy. I defiantly took it hard, I become the one person I promised myself I'd never become. I sometimes forget what his laugh was like, the way he smelt, the he use to stare at me. I act like he's dead and maybe I am overreacting. But to me it feels like he died because he just left me. I never understood how you could do that, how you could care so much about someone and then just leave their life. It never made sense to me how people lived with themselves. After all the promises you made together and all the memories. How could you just leave... I loved you...

I gathered myself for work. Another day I had dreaded. Another day I wished I was dead. I put myself to sleep the night before by crying and drinking a whole bottle of vodka. I promised myself I'd stop but hey promises obviously don't matter. I through a few pain relievers in my mouth and took a drink of water hoping the pounding would stop. I grabbed my jacket and rushed out the door. I knew today would be the day my world came crashing down...

I walked into the squad room and put on the casually fake smile. I wanted to make sure no one asked me if I was holding up okay. Because today was just one of those days that I knew if they asked me I wouldn't lie. I slowly sat at my desk and filled paper work out.

My day went so fast it seemed to be almost over. I sat down after the long day in the field and rubbed my hand over my face. I looked at Amaro and Rollins which seemed to be a new thing which I tried to enjoy. But in all honesty I missed him. Cragen walked out of the office and looked up at me. I knew he was going to try and talk to me about the case we had earlier.

"Liv." he looked at me and walked back in his office.

"Nice working with you." Munch said.

I pushed my chair out and stood up. I slowly walked into the office preparing to get my ass chewed out for something. I looked at the back of Cragen's body and tried to defend my case already.

"I don't think she was lying about being raped." I stated as I pushed my hands into my pockets.

"Will you shut the door please?" he said as he turned around to face me.

I closed the door already on the verge of crying.

"Elliot put his papers in, there was nothing I could do."

My eyes welted up with tears and I stood there taking it in. I just shook my head. As I held back my tears.

"He's earned it." I said.

"And then some. You wanna talk?" He asked.

I just stood there looking at the floor. I shook my head, the last thing I wanted to do was talk.

"No." I said as the tears got harder to hold back and my voice almost cracking.

"You wanna take a day?" He asked.

I breathed in and looked away as my voice cracked. I smiled slightly.

"I'm fine." I said as I looked back.

"Liv... I'm sorry." He said sadly.

I shook my head and walked out of the office.

"You okay?" Fin asked as he looked away from his computer.

"Yeah." I said as I finally stopped the eruge to cry.

"We'll be right there." Munch said as he hung up the phone. "We got a ten thirty four on waverly." Munch looked over at me.

I looked away and breathed in. I just wanted to go home and cry. I walked to go home and drink myself into a coma.

Munch looked at Fin. "Fin take Rollins."

"No I'll go, give me 5 and we'll roll." I said as I turned and walked away.

I walked down the hallway and seen the integration room empty. I walked in and lost it. I cried like there was no tomorrow. The only hope I held onto was the fact that he hadn't quit yet. There was still a chance he'd come back and now...now there was nothing. I couldn't do anything to help him because he won't let me. He just cut me off like I was nothing. He was never coming back, he was never going to be in the desk across from me. I would never be able to tell him I loved him because he was gone. He was really gone now. As I gathered myself before I exited the room I knew from that point on I'd never be the same 'Olivia Benson'...


	2. Getting Good At Lying

_**This will eventually be an EO story. But for now this is just from Olivia's inner thoughts. **_

I never thought I'd be so low that'd actually act just like my mother. All I do in my free time from the time I get home from work till the time I go to bed is drink. I now understand why my mother drank. It numbed you to the point you had no feelings what so ever. The only problem is when I'm drunk I have the sudden urge to call or text him. I just want to see how he's doing. I don't want anything else. I think this is the most painful thing in the world and to others it's the most painless. I picked up my cell phone as I've done a thousand times and dialed his number. I still had the number saved as 'Stabler'. I didn't want to delete it; it was the only thing I had left of him. I knew the number by heart so it wouldn't matter if I would have. I stared at the screen for a moment and just broken down. I left the tears stream down my face, it was like never ending. I knew what I was doing was one of the worse things ever but I couldn't help it. I need him... I just wished he needed me like you use to.

I pushed the call button and put the phone to my ear. It rang a few times before his voicemail picked up. I just listened, because this was the only way I could ever hear his voice. 'You've got Elliot Stabler's phone. I'm not able to pick up right now, try back later.' I felt the tears fall onto my pants as I heard his voice. I almost forgot what it sounded like. I didn't hang up I just cried. I laid the phone down and pressed the end button eventually. I knew he would listen to the message... I also knew he wouldn't care. I laid my head back on the couch as I wiped my face. I felt like I was falling apart. I didn't know how to handle myself anymore. I had so many bad thoughts and I was doing horrible things to my body. I needed some sort of closer...a sort of relive. I needed to talk to him, I wanted to see him. God did I want to see him so bad. I jumped as my phone started ringing I looked down and seen the caller ID say 'Fin'.

"Benson." I said as I tried to sound as sober as possible.

"Liv I just wanted to know how you were holding up."

I wanted to say so bad the truth but I knew now was definatly not the time. So I lied, I seemed to be getting really good at that. I was good at lying and faking my happiness. I think people would soon start to realize I'm not 'fine'.

"I'm good. Why?"

"I just was a little worried. You seemed upset when you let work today and Captian told me about Stabler. I'm so sorry Liv. I know he was your best friend and partner for a long time. I'm here if you need me baby girl, maybe you should take some time. Give me a call later then."

Time? Really? Why so then I could drink myself to death or better yet shoot myself in the fucking head. Yeah time sounds fucking great.

"Thanks and yeah I'll talk to you later Fin."

I threw my phone at the wall and screamed as loud as I could. I was letting my emotions take over. I was sad and then angry the next second. I didn't know how to act. I hated Elliot but then loved him. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I feel like I'm a danger towards myself. I just wanted him to be sitting a crossed from me again. I just wanted him to be my partner again. Is that too much to ask for? I wouldn't care if I couldn't tell him how I felt as long as I had him back in my life. I just wanted him here with me again.

I stood up and grabbed my keys and walked to my car. I was actually being this stupid and driving drunk. I knew what I was doing was stupid but I had to go see him or at least know if he was okay and alive…

I drove slowly as I felt myself sober up. I drove to Kathy's first and sat outside waiting for him to maybe just show up or see me and say something to me. I seen Dickey taking the garbage out and waved to me, and started walking over.

"Hey Liv. What are you doing here?" He asked bending down into my window.

"I came to see your father is he home?"

He looked at me and sighed. "He hasn't been home for weeks. I'd try his apartment. I wouldn't go near him Liv. He's really messed up."

I smiled at him. "I'll have to check there and sweetheart aren't we all?"

I started the car and waved at Dickey as I pulled out and drove down the road.

I got to his apartment and I got there just in time he was just going into his door. I pulled in slowly and watched him as he carried his bags up the stairs.

I felt my eyes well up and I swallowed hard. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had to watch him from afar like a stalker. I just wanted to walk up his stairs and knock on the door and tell him how suborn he was and how much I missed him. I closed my eyes and opened the car door... I started walking up the apartment stairs and got to his door. I knocked lightly...


	3. Friends

I could bolt for the door or I can wait for him to answer I have 3 seconds. I could tell him everything or I could leave and never do this again. I heard the steps getting closer as I bit down on my lip. He opened the door and looked at me. Those blue eyes just stared into me for a while. I was so nervous I couldn't even speak.

"Liv."

Him saying my name send chills all down my body. I haven't heard him say my name since Jenna's shooting. I start talking and it seemed to just ramble all together. I pushed myself in the door.

"Wait Liv, wait." he said as I walked through the door.

"Elliot how could you just leave me and not come back and then turning your papers in. Really? I missed you and I was lost without you. I didn't have you there to save me anymore. You couldn't help me. I had to get a new partner and there's new detectives in the squad room. It's not the same without you. I loved..."

I stopped talking as I turned around and see the blonde standing there in her towel. I just stared at her, I turned around to face Elliot and the only thing I could seem to muster up was "How-What-I." I stopped trying to talk and walked towards the door. Elliot grabbed my arm and turned me towards him. He had seen the tears streaming down my face.

"Liv I'm sorry."

"No. No. I'm glad I seen this. This...This is just what I needed. I'm glad it was easy." I ripped my arm from his grasp and opened the door and ran down the stairs to my car. I sat in the car and lost track of time because the blonde was coming out of the house when I looked up again. I rolled my eyes at her perfect figure and flawless face.

I saw Elliot walk towards my car and I started it and started to drive away. Before I could get too far Elliot stood right in the middle of the road. I slammed on my brakes and got out of the car.

"ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID!?" I screamed.

"Apparently, come up stairs and we'll talk. Please Liv."

"I-no. I can't. I need to go."

He started running after me and slammed his hand in the door pushing it open.

"Liv get out of the car now!"

"Elliot let me leave. It was easy for you to let me go last time so it shouldn't be any harder this time."

He looked at me with sad eyes and he pulled my arm and pulled me into a hug. I pushed him away.

"Liv it wasn't easy. It was the hardest think I have ever done. You were my best friend and my partner for 12 years. So no it was not easy."

"I hate you for leaving me."

I got into my car and this time I drove away and I looked at him in the review mirror as I drove faster. I just wanted to get away from him. I couldn't handle him being with another woman. I guess I wasn't ready to just be his friend and partner again. I wouldn't be able to handle watching him love another woman again. I pulled over and turned the car off. I had no idea where I was because I just drove and drove until I couldn't anymore. I got out of the car and bend over and threw up all over the road. I was crying and throwing up. It was not the best combination. I wiped my mouth and sat on the hood of the car and just looked up at the sky. I closed my eyes trying to picture happier times. Only the bad ones seemed to flash back...

"_If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it…I know you we've taken the shot Olivia." He said looking at me_.

_I looked at him with an eyebrow raised._

"_No I would've. Did you really expect me to?" He looked away. "Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"_

"_I don't know… I just couldn't get that boy out of my head." _

_I scoffed. "What about me?" I said barley hearable. _

"_Look we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again…Otherwise…__**we can't be partners**__."_

I remember that memory like it was yesterday. I could still remember how scared I was. I might actually lose him and now I have. He is officially gone… I remember this memory particularly because in that moment I thought I was going to lose the love of my life. In that moment I stared into his eyes as he said it was alright. As if it was okay to shoot him.

I saw bright lights shine and pull into where I was parked. I knew it was Elliot before he had even gotten out of the car.

"Olivia."

He walked over to me.

"I hate you so much. I hate what you did. I hate you for leaving. I hate you for making me love you!" I screamed.

He looked at me in aw like he didn't know. People we hardly knew thought we were together. We always had something there that everyone picked up on. I didn't just make this shit up in my head.

"You love me?" He asked, puzzled.

"Yes. I have forever, since day one Elliot." I shook my head and looked at him. "You must be blind. But, it doesn't matter you're with that super model blonde Barbie."

He smiled. "You have not changed at all."

"Don't smile at me. I'm serious. Stop!" I said sternly.

"If you don't want me to be near you or try to fix this then why the hell did you come find me?"

I looked at him and didn't to breath. I didn't know the answer to that question. Why did I go find him? Why did I want to see him? I was so stupid to do this. I sighed and looked down. Then I felt the anger take over my body. I looked at him.

"You…you asshole. You don't get to ask me why I came to see you. I should be asking you why you haven't tried to see me. Why haven't you picked up your phone? I thought you were dead! But here you were not even 10 minutes away screwing some blonde. So you don't get to ask me questions." I poked at his chest. "Now I'm leaving. Goodbye Elliot."

I climbed in my car and felt my heart break all over again. How do you look at someone you love and say goodbye? I waited for him to come near my car but he just stood there. He finally walked near my car and opened my door.

"I didn't want to answer or come and see you because you're a constant reminder of that day. I look at you and I hate myself all over again. I needed to get over the Jenna thing before I could see you. Before I could be your friend. I shot her for you."

"You son of a bitch. You didn't shoot her for me. You shot her because that's what you do. I person walks into the squad room and starts shooting people you fucking shoot them!"

"I want you to be in my life Olivia. I want to be friends. Please."

"Fine, friends."

I looked at him and knew I wouldn't be able to handle this. I just wanted to be in his life…


	4. I Was The One Person

**R&R **

**Xox**

I woke up to a loud knock at my door. I slowly drew myself from my warm bed and answered the door.

"Elliot what are you doing here this early?" I asked a little irritated.

"Lillian decided to kick me out for the night because I made a little joke." He ran a hand over the back of his neck.

I moved from the door and let him walk in knowing exactly what he wanted. Lillian was the blonde I seen the first time I seen him. This wasn't the first time she decided to kick him out. She does it at least twice a week and he seems to always show up here at my apartment. It could be because I use to let him when Kathy did the same thing. But it was different this time…I guess. Okay no it wasn't really any different. He was still not single and here I am the friend that lets him crash on my couch. I figure I'd always be that friend.

"Liv?"

He interrupted my thoughts. I forgot he was here for a second.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"You okay? You seem all spacey."

"I'm fine. I'm just really tired and caught up in my thoughts. I'm going to go back to bed. You know where the blankets are." I turned and started for the bedroom.

He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. I didn't know what he was doing but him touching me send chills though my body…just that little touch. I raised an eyebrow and avoid his eyes.

"Can you sit out here and talk to me? I need to talk."

I had a million thoughts running though my head. I wanted to know what he _needed _to talk about. I felt a little hope building up that it could possibly be about me and him. But I had to make that hope go away because I knew it wasn't about us. Considering there was no us. I mean was I wrong to have a little hope for us? I think I held onto it because I needed to think there was a reason to live. I was being dramatic yet again. I seemed to be more dramatic when it came to him.

"You wanna order a pizza and watch a movie?"

"Elliot it's the middle of the night. I wanna sleep not eat. I surely don't want to talk.  
I just want sleep." I sighed.

I did want to talk. I did want to watch movie like old times. I wanted to do everything that we use to. But I knew it wasn't like old times. I can't keep living in the past. I need to move on with my life just like Elliot did. He moved on…

"Can we talk in the morning before I leave?" He asked.

He seemed disappointed.

"We can do whatever you want." I said looking at his gorgeous face one last time.

I turned away again this time returning to my room.

I didn't sleep that much. I woke up 24/7 throughout the night. I was waiting for him to wake up but he took forever so I went to the kitchen and made as much noise as I could hoping I'd wake him. I saw him stir awake and he sat up rubbing his eyes.

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you." I lied.

"It's fine. What time is it?"

"Uh I think it's almost 8."

I walked over to the couch and sat at the end of the end of the couch. I handed him a cup of coffee. I received a thank you and I sat silent. I was waiting for him to want to talk…to say something. He finally said something.

"So I need your help…with Lillian. I need to make it up to her. I mean the fight was my fault and I just feel like I need to do something, ya know?"

I looked at him with a stunned look on my face. He was still talking about her and I just snapped. I didn't know why I normally could control my temper. I helped him with Kathy before and had no problem. It was different this time because he knew how I felt about him, and that's why I couldn't control anything.

"Stop talking! Okay? I can't. I can't help you. I can't hear about her. So please shut the hell up." She yelled.

"Olivia…I forgot…I'm sorr-sorry." He stuttered.

I rolled my eyes. Ha of course he'd forget. I mean why would my feelings matter at all.

"Why would you remember? I mean it's not like my feelings matter at all. You're Elliot Stabler and you don't care about anyone but yourself. You're selfish and you're an ass. You don't care about who you hurt. You left me for god sakes! You're fucking partner of 12 years, the one who put up with all your bullshit, the one person that never left your side, but you still left!" I stood up near my front door.

He followed me and got closer to me. He looked pissed and upset, he might finally be feeling some of my pain. God was it sad I wanted him to feel my pain for once? I just wanted it to hurt him; I wanted to hurt him more than anything. He deserved it…

"I just want you to hurt for once. I want you to know what it's like to love someone that will never love you back. You will have no possible way of being with them because they don't give a shit that you love them. People tell you to say how you feel or you'll regret it, those people were wrong. I feel worse telling you because I feel like you are just holding it over my head. What's funny is you say you don't feel the same well you never actually said those words. It just amuses me that you may not feel the same but I'm that one person you ALWAYS come to for anything. You know I'll always be here because of how I feel. So you use my feeling over me and you enjoy it. I know you do because you're an asshole."

By this time I was just ranting. It wasn't even making sense anymore. I just had so much to say and so much going through my mind and it was just all spilling out of my mouth at once.

"Shut up Olivia." He said finally.

"Elliot get out!"

He moved away from me and opened the front door. He looked at me and then left slamming the door behind him..


	5. Excuses

I stood there not really sure what to do. He left again with absolutely no problem. It was like it didn't matter that him leaving killed me. It was like I didn't matter, maybe I didn't anymore. We hadn't really been friends or partners for a while. It is possible that I didn't matter anymore, which I could understand if he wanted to cut me out because he put up with me forever. Was I really making excuses for him?... him, the one that just left me AGAIN. Was I really that in love with him that I was just making him sound better so I wouldn't hate him? I mean I could never really hate him he was the love of my life and to be honest that scared me. My feels honestly scared me and I was so surprised that I even showed up to his house or that I just blurted out everything I felt. I never did that I always had a hold on myself. I could control my actions but with him it seemed that I couldn't. I felt like I was drawn to him. I needed to say everything I felt before it was too late. I was getting any younger. Maybe it was time to stop all this and move on. Was it even possible to do that? After all that was said could I really love someone else? I pushed off the wall I was leaning against and fell down onto the couch. I exhaled trying to comprehend everything. It may be time to leave Elliot behind. He left me behind...

I jumped at the loud pound on my door. I stood up as it got louder and constant. I swung it open and seen him looking at me. He was just staring at me until he started yelling.

"I'm selfish? I never really thought a cop could be selfish. You think I'm an ass? Look at you, you come back after all this time and tell me how you feel? What about how I felt? Huh? Or doesn't that matter? You go on and on about how you can't hear about Lillian and you can't do this and that. But I didn't want to hear about your dates or who you were dating. But I did. I was so in love with you Olivia. I still am but I moved on because I lived with loving you for over a decade. 12 fucking years! You never once decided to tell me this!"

"It was wrong Elliot! You were my partner and you were married!"

"It was wrong for you to love me? Or were you to scared like you always are?"

I stared at him and didn't say anything. I was scared to love him. I was scared I he might feel the same but I was more scared to let him love me. I never felt anything like this. I have never had such a connection with someone. We just look at each other and we know what we're thinking. I can look at him and know his mood. I know what he's thinking because we just knew each other so well. But now I'm not really sure I know who he is and he doesn't me because I'm not me anymore.

"I can't do this Olivia. I can't be your friend and you can't either. So stop acting strong because I know this is killing you."

"You're leaving again. You always leave when things get tough. You're scared just like I am, you're no better than me."

I slammed the door and I expected him to knock, to yell but all I heard was his footsteps slowly walking away. I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive him. How could I trust him again when all he does is leave? We couldn't be friends because we crossed the friend line when I blurted out my feelings and I cursed myself for that. He told me he was in love with me...he loved me. I wiped the hot tears that were streaming down my face. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to handle all these emotions anymore. How do you move on with your life when the person you love isn't there with you. The person you want to spend every waking moment with. I just don't understand sometimes. Why have these feelings? Was this really the end of me and Elliot? Even though there was never really anything between us. Was it over? Whatever we had was it done. I couldn't actually picture me without him but I made it this far and then I needed him. I rubbed a hand over my face and slowly walked back to my room. I hoped for my sake sleep would take over before I got out of that bed and ran after him.

I woke up to my phone ringing and I grabbed it from the end stand.

"Benson." I said groggy.

"We got a call. If you want I can take Rollins. I know you've been going through a lot lately." Nick said softly.

He was right. I've been going through a lot maybe taking off work would be a good idea. But what could I possible do? Over think, try to figure out what Elliot was thinking…just drive myself crazy that's what I'd be doing. I feel wrong for going to work every day and not being completely there. My head hasn't been in the game since Elliot left. Nothing was the same since he left.

"Uh yeah, I will be right there. Give me 10." I said as I ripped the covers off of me.

I rushed to get ready. I threw on my normal work clothes and threw my hair up. I quickly fixed my eyeliner and rushed to the door. I opened it and seen Elliot standing there. He looked like he had been crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just stood there…


	6. Letting Go

I looked at him as he slowly walked towards me. I didn't really know what he was doing but he just wrapped his arms around me. I knew I should've pulled away but I sunk into it. I allowed him to hug me. I needed it and I felt like he needed it to. God this felt amazing to finally have his arms around me. I knew I needed to stop it.

"Elliot…we need to stop." I tried to pull away.

He held on to me tighter making me feel even better.

"Olivia I know what I need to do and say okay? I know, so just let me have this. I need this."

He needed to say and do something? What? Now I was hugging the love of my life and thinking about a million other things. I honestly couldn't do this right now. I had to be at work…I just couldn't pull myself from his arms. But I felt him sifting his body. He loosened his arms and pulled away.

"I need to let you go. I know we can't do this friendship, too much has been said. So letting you go seems like the best thing I can do. I don't want to do it Olivia. God, I really don't but if I keep holding on I know I'll only hurt you more. Because that's what I do, I just hurt people. I know I've hurt you a lot…more than a lot. I know you will never forgive me for that. I can't even forgive myself for it. We will never go back to the friendship we once had and I'm the only one to blame for that…so I'm letting you go."

"And you know what Elliot sometimes…just sometimes, letting go is the best option. I love you more than you'll ever know. I'm sorry we went through all this. I'm sorry I never told you how I felt because honestly who knows where we'd be today. I regret not telling you every day. I forgive you for leaving because you know what that's in the past and I don't live there anymore. So I'm letting you go to."

I felt my heart breaking saying those words. Who was I honestly kidding I couldn't let him go but he was letting go…so I had to, too. I knew he seen it in my eyes because he turned his head and looked at me. I really tried not to meet his eyes because I knew if I did I'd feel like I should kiss him or I'd look at his lips. God did I want to kiss that man. I unfortunately met his eyes. I just stared into his eyes and he stared back into mine. It was like old times.

I made a mistake and grabbed his shirt. I looked into his eyes and pulled him down and pressed my lips softly to his. This was the best kiss in my whole entire life. He pressed himself tight against me. I pulled away. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I knew it.

"To letting go…" I said.

I walked down my stairs leaving for work. I hoped to god he wouldn't be there when I got home. Because I could picture his mouth on mine and his hands traveling all over my body. I really prayed that he wasn't there…

I walked into the squad room and sat at my desk earning a stare from Nick for being late. I didn't have a good excuse. I mean was I supposed to say oh yeah sorry I'm late I was kissing my old partner. No so I just didn't say anything. I just sat at my desk quietly and did my paper work, because it wasn't really any of his concern what I was doing. I knew that the whole day would be hell because all I kept thinking about was him…the kiss. I wanted to kiss him again. I really did. But like we both said we need to let go. I'm pretty sure kissing him made it worse. I just needed to know what that was like…if we were never going to talk again. I just needed that but now I am running over every single line in my head. I knew I shouldn't be here at work, but if I left I knew I would be even more of a wreck. This was the most difficult decision I've ever made. I stood up from my desk and went into Cragen's office closing the door.

"Olivia, everything okay?" He asked looking up from his work.

"No, I know I said I didn't need time, but I do. I keep over thinking everything in my head. I keep thinking if I would've done this or that. I keep thinking about when I kissed him and why I kissed him. I'm not even here anymore. So I need time…because it's not okay for me to be here." My voice cracked.

I just told my boss Elliot and I kissed. It wasn't like he worked here anymore so did it really matter? Did it really hurt anybody?

"Okay. I get it. You can have all the time in the world Olivia."

I turned towards the door.

"But Olivia there was nothing you could've done differently. He would've still left. It was his choice. As for kissing him was yours. You made that call and he made his own call. You two love each other and I've learned this a long time ago, but sometimes you let the things you love go. Because love isn't enough to hold you together anymore…"

I shut my eyes tight and opened the door. I left the squad room without looking back. I knew this was what was for the best…

I got to my apartment building and as I rounded the corner I seen his car. I shook my head and walked inside my building and up my stairs to my door. I unlocked it and quickly walked in knowing he'd be following soon. I leaned against the door listening to his footsteps come up the stairs. I locked the door and shut all my curtains making it dark in every room. I went to my bed and laid there listening to him knocking and yelling my name. I couldn't do this. I wanted to get up and answer the door but I knew if I did I'd be making a mistake. I jumped as I heard the door open and shut. God damn it I forget he had a key. Why'd I never get that back?

"Olivia come here!" He yelled from the living room.

I wiped my eyes and drew myself from the bed knowing I needed to put this to an end.

"Elliot you know this is illegal. You can't just enter my house!"

"Then arrest me." He rolled his eyes and flipped a light on. "Why did you do that? Why would you kiss me? God now you have a million things running through my head. Damn it Olivia, damn it." He sighed and rubbed his face.

"I needed to do it. After 12 years I needed to know what it was like to kiss you…before I lost you forever. What could you possibly be thinking about?"

"I'm regretting saying I needed to let you go…now I don't want to let you go…"

I swallowed hard…he didn't want to let me go…


End file.
